Early morning ramblings

Checking in after some time. It’s been a whirlwind of a year and instead of capturing my thoughts in some fashion, I coasted and blew most of the time on the couch waiting for the ride to slow down.

Where to start…

My kids continue to grow at rampant weed speeds and I do my best to keep up. G is 15, going on 25 and I fight a constant urge to relate to his ever present maturity as a friend while remaining a diligent parent. He’s a sponge that can’t learn enough and has quickly morphed from silly kid to young man, seemingly in between lunch and dinner. I encourage his independence and while this presents the occasional battle of wills, its refreshing and educational to hear his opinions and see the world from his eyes.

M has hit adulthood running and I’ve finally got a chance to catch my breath, only because he’s at boot camp till the EOY and I don’t think any other drastic news can come till then. In the span of a few months, he’s brought up the idea of joining the National Guard and proceeded to sprint on through to marriage, enlistment, and departure.

And to cap off the events, our yearlong wait regarding restructuring at work culminated in me learning my position is being eliminated. While I’ve got a few months to figure out next steps, its another twist in an eventful year. I’m a bit torn over how I feel about the situation. On one hand, the waiting is over and I have my answer, but I felt I was just getting started on a promising career path, only to have a detour thrown in and a heavy task of deciding which way to go.

In the shadows of all this is my ever present demon, eager to pounce and derail me, as I look for a quick fix. I feel my recent slip had some bearing on the employment situation and while I’ll probably never have a definitive answer, I certainly feel responsible for part of the outcome.

So as I lie in bed, letting racing thoughts speak through my fingers, I’m making conscious efforts to spill and avoid past mistakes where I swallow emotions, only to vomit them at inappropriate times and in inappropriate ways.

In closing, I want to share some 3am ramblings and see if they shed any light or generate any feedback:

The eventual has become the actual
And now I’m dealing with the factual
Yester years would end in chemicals
Quick fixes addressing the topical
The real problem far like tropical
Only to be facing another eventual
Dirty truths with buried roots
Have me digging with nail and tooth

Icy veins chill my capillaries
Ignorant of the ancillaries
I need a slow incendiary
To warm me thoroughly
Traversing systematically
Completely, if only momentarily
The candle’s wick burning slow
Molten wax and flickering glow

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